Thursday, November 19, 2015

Happy Birthday

   Today you would have been 29. Last year on your birthday I got you some disc golf stuff. I almost got you a "starter kit"... I'm so glad I called you before I ordered it because apparently you were way past the starter kit stage of your disc golf hobby. You had some very specific discs that I had to order from a website that had a matrix more confusing than trying to register for online classes. And you were so worried to ask for something so specific. I am SO glad I didn't brush off your birthday last year. In the past, you were lucky to get a phone call. I have a lot of kids and a busy life, but I really wanted you to know last year how much we love you. And I didn't know how else to do that. If I knew it was going to be your last birthday, I would have flown out to be there with you. I think you went the movies with Nan and Mom? Mom made chicken parm, I'm sure. I wish there was a way we could have known.
         I miss you so much. My birthday was hard. I wanted to hear from you. I didn't think it would be hard at all, honestly. I was in Disneyland with all of my kids and my husband and I thought I'd be too distracted to think much about a missed phone call from you. But I woke up crying. Birthdays were the one day I knew for sure we'd talk.
         It probably sounds ridiculous to say that I miss you, when I know we didn't spend all that much time together to begin with. But I really had these visions of you moving out here, starting a new life. And us being best friends again. I grieve so much for what never got to be. The relationship I so wanted to have with my brother, but drugs stole, and never gave us the chance to get it back.
          We're going to have another baby. #5. I can't imagine what your reaction would be. I hate that this baby will live in a world without you. He or she will only ever know you in stories, and to her I'll have never had a brother. It's bizarre to think about, it really is.
           I am not entirely sure how the whole after life thing works exactly. But I know you're still around. And I hope you're having a happy birthday, wherever you are. I can't help but think it's probably hard for you to watch all of us here crying and missing you. I'm sure you had no clue how sad everyone would be if you were gone. It's got to be so hard to watch. But I hope there's some kind of magical happy heaven that you're hanging out in with Luke and Poppy (how do those two get alone anyway?) and you're having a good day, if they have days in heaven. Happy birthday little brother. Love you.